A sad sad end

Jehoshaphat and I went up to Ramoth Gilead with our armies. I told Jehoshaphat that I will enter the battle in disguise while he wears his royal robes.

The battle BEGINS! The chariot commander of Aram was attacking us. He chased Jehoshaphat, thinking that Jehoshaphat was me instead. But then when Jehoshaphat cried out, the chariot commander realized that he wasn't the king of Israel and stopped pursuing him. Just then, someone drew his bow at random and struck me between the sections of my armor with it. Wow! One in a million times that would happen, and it just had to happen to me. I told my chariot driver to wheel me around and get me out of the fighting because I have been wounded. All day long the battle went on, leaving poor old me propped up against my chariot facing the Arameans. The blood from my wound ran onto the floor of the chariot leaving a pool of blood. Ewwww! That evening I died. As the sun was setting, a cry spread through the army: "Every man to his town; everyone to his land!"

So the king of Israel, I, died and was buried in Samaria. Men washed the chariot at a pool in Samaria, the place where the prostitutes would bathe. As the prophet Micaiah prophesied, the dogs came and licked up my blood. Ahaziah, my son, succeeded me as king, and I hope that he would continue the legacy my wife and I had begun.

p.s. Continued by me, Ahaziah, in the eyes of my father in honor to him.

I told you so!

It's has been awhile since I last blogged. That is because nothing significant has happened to cause me the need to blog and vent my feelings to the world. There has been no war between Israel and Aram for three years now. So today, Jehoshaphat, my buddy, and I started talking to each other. We talked about how Ramoth Gilead was rightfully ours yet we are doing nothing at all to retake it from Aram. I suggested that we should go to war and fight against Aram so that we can regain control of Ramoth Gilead. Jehoshaphat decided that it would be wise to first seek the counsel of the LORD. After hearing that, I was like ohhhh noooo please, anything but that. The prophets always predict bad things to me.

Nevertheless I gathered 400 prophets and asked them if I should go to war and they said yes. But Jehoshaphat was not happy because these men were not the prophets of the LORD. So I decided to bring Micaiah son of Imlah, a prophet that never prophesies anything good about me. When Micaiah came, I asked him if I should go to war with Aram or refrain from it. He said that I should go and be victorious but I knew that was not the truth. Then he said, "I saw all Israel scattered on the hills like sheep without a shepherd, and the LORD said, 'These people have no master. Let each one go home in peace.' "

Then I told Jehoshaphat that I was right, he never prophesies anything good but only bad. Then Micaiah told us about a spirit volunteering to entice me. The spirit enticed me by using the mouths of all these prophets. Zedekiah son of Kenaanah then went up to Micaiah and slapped Micaiah in the face and asked him where the spirit went. Micaiah said that he will find out on the day Zedekiah hides in an inner room. Then I ordered Micaiah to be put in prison until I return safely.

I am SORRY!

While I was busy working and organizing stuff for my new vineyard, Elijah came to me and instantly I knew that bad news was about to come. He told that since I have sold myself to do evil in the eyes of the LORD, the LORD is going to bring disaster on me. This was Elijah's exact quote of the LORD, "I am going to bring disaster on you. I will consume your descendants and cut off from Ahab every last male in Israel-slave or free. I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat and that of Baasha son of Ahijah, because you have provoked me to anger and have caused Israel to sin." Then Elijah said, "And also concerning Jezebel the LORD says: 'Dogs will devour Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel. Dogs will eat those belonging to Ahab who die in the city, and the birds of the air will feed on those who die in the country.' "

When I heard those words, it stung my heart like Ehud striking an 18" inch sword into me. Ouch! I know that the LORD is lame and all but one thing that it isn't is false. I have learned that what the prophets say always finds a way to come true and it has so far. So I when I heard what Elijah said, I became scared. I tore my clothes, and then I put on a sackcloth and fasted. I lay in the sackcloth and went around meekly. Hopefully the god of Elijah will have compassion on me and lighten his punishment.

Sometimes a woman has to step into her man's shoe

Since Naboth's vineyard was close to my palace, I decided to take it from him. I approached Naboth and asked him to give me his vineyard so that I could make it into a vegetable garden. I even told him that I will give him a better vineyard in exchange or whatever it is worth. However, Naboth was unwilling to compromise, being the baby he is, because he said that the LORD forbid him to give me the inheritance of his fathers.

So I went home and became angry. I refused to eat and sat at my bed because I was too angry to do anything. Then my wife came and asked me what is wrong. I told and she asked me, "Is this how you act as king over Israel? Get up and eat! Cheer up. I'll get you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite." I felt a bit ashamed and offended at what she said but decided not to say anything because she was already mad as it is.

Jezebel wrote letters in my name to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth's city. In the letters, she told them to proclaim a day of fasting and seat Naboth in a prominent place among the people. Then she told them to seat two scoundrels opposite of him and have them testify that he has cursed both God and I. Then she told them to take him out and stone Naboth to death.

The elders and nobles did as they were told like a dog listens to his master. They proclaimed a fast and had the two scoundrels testify against Naboth. Then they took Naboth and stoned him.

Then Jezebel told me that Naboth was dead and that I could take possession of his or the unclaimed vineyard. I was excited at that news and thank Jezebel for doing that for me. Isn't she the best. I bet you wish that she was your wife. ;P

Who would have guessed

While I was passing by a road, a wounded man with a headband came up to me and said, "Your servant went into the thick of the battle, and someone came to me with a captive and said, 'Guard this man. If he is missing, it will be your life for his life, or you must pay a talent of silver.' While your servant was busy here and there, the man disappeared."

After hearing that, I told him that he has just pronounced the judgment on himself. But then the wounded man quickly took of his headband and BOOM it hit me. That wounded man was the prophet. And who would have figured what he was going to say to me next. Hhmm any guesses, anyone?

Well in case you really don't know what the man was going to say next, it was something like this, "This is what the LORD says: ' You have set free a man I had determined should die. Therefore it is your life for his life, your people for his people' "

Of course; even though I knew that it was coming, I still became angry at what the prophet said to me. Realizing that there was not much that I could do, I went back to my palace in Samaria.

The second battle next spring

Well I guess I should give that prophet some credit because what he said came true. Ben-Hadad thought that the LORD was the god of the hills and that is why we won. So Ben-Hadad decided to fight us on the plains instead. Such a sore loser.

While Ben-Hadad was preparing for battle, the prophet came to me and told me that the LORD will once again deliver them into my hands so that I will know that he is LORD.

For seven days, we camped opposite of each other but on the seventh day the battle finally began. I, Ahab, with my magnificent army owned Ben-Hadad once again. I wonder if Ben-Hadad will ever learn this lesson: AHAB IS THE BEST AND HE IS THE BEASTLIEST!

Ben-Hadad fled once again. But then his officials came back and asked me to spare Ben-Hadad's life. I told them yes, and Ben-Hadad quickly came out. I let him come into my chariot, and he offered to give back the cities his father took from my father. He also told me that I may set up my own market in Damascus. So we made a treaty and I set him free. This was an extremely successful battle, and I just made myself another alliance. YAY ME!

Maybe some prophets do tell good news...

Here is how it started. It started out as a normal day, until Ben-Hadad king of Aram got his whole army together for battle against us. At first Ben-Hadad asked for silver, gold, our wives, and children, and I did not reject his request for those. But then he went a little too far. He said, "I sent to demand your silver and gold, your wives and your children. But about this time tomorrow I am going to send my officials to search your palace and the houses of your officials. They will seize everything you value and carry it away." At this, I told him that I could not meet his second demand only the first. Then Ben-Hadad told me that he will bring his army and destroy us. Yeah right, like that will ever happen.

While we were preparing for the battle, a prophet came to me. He told me that the LORD will give Ben-Hadad's army into my hands and then I will know that he is LORD. I asked him who will do that. He said that the young officers of the provincial commanders will do it. I decided to listen to him even though I am not sure what made me do that. However, it came out for the best though.

I summoned the young officers of the provincial commanders and it was 232 men. Then I gathered together the rest of the Israelites and that was 7,000 men in all. We set out for battle at noon. Ben-Hadad and his 32 allied kings were in their tents getting drunk which I wish I could have joined.

When the battle finally started, the young officers sure proved themselves to me there. They struck down their opponents, forcing Ben-Hadad and his Arameans to fled. We basically killed them and owned Ben-Hadad, that no good king of Aram. The prophet told me that I should strengthen my position because Ben-Hadad will attack me next spring again. I decided to listen to him because his first advice was good and figured that his second advice will be as good.

Why I married HER

I went home after that unfair challenge and told my wife everything. So as I told in my previous blog of the conclusion my wife come up with as to why we lost. Well she came up with another brilliant plan. She sent a messenger to Elijah telling him that she is going to kill him by tomorrow. Isn't she just the best wife, what better wife can you ask for other than one that knows your best interest at heart.

Then when Elijah got his message, he was terrified to death. You should have seen him call for his mommy. I can just imagine him crying with his cloak wrapped around him saying, " Mommy help me, the great Ahab and Jezebel is going to hurt me. *Wwwaaaaa waaaaa* " Then you should also have seen the best part, Elijah with his all so great god running for his life. Haaaahaaahaha what a show that was!

How dare he challenge ME!

Today Obadiah told me that Elijah is here and will present himself to me. My wife and I was ecstatic at the news that that old fool finally has the courage to come out and talk to me. My wife and I have pondered why though. We came up with the conclusion that he came to either convict us of something like prophets always do or hopefully he came to tell us that Baal is the right way to go.

Sadly, he did not. Instead, arrrrggg when I come to think of it, he came to challenge my gods. Can you believe MY GOD versus his god. You see, my god is way bigger and stronger than his. Mine will beat him by a landslide, you just wait and see. Elijah wanted to set up a challenge on Mount Carmel. At Mount Carmel, they will set up 2 altars with a bull on each. The challenge is simple, whoever's god calls fire down on the bull wins. He, the only prophet left of his puny god, against our 450 prophets of Baal and 400 prophets of Asherah. Now tell me, who do you think will win. If you still can't get the picture of how big my god is compared to that so called LORD of Israel who brought the Israelites out of Egypt and bla bla bla, here is one except the gods are in the form of dogs instead.


How dare he mock us. Elijah kept on mocking us, telling us to call Baal because he may be busy or on the telephone. I THINK WE GOT THE IDEA ALREADY, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN OUR FACES. I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIND SINCE YOU SERVED YHWH. He also chased down all 850 prophets and murdered them, I thought that was against their law. Hmmmm, this is why Elijah's god should not be served. The only reason we lost the challenge was because he probably messed with our altar so that it would not catch on fire. My wife told me that, and it is correct because it sounds like something a prophet of Yahweh would do. You just wait Elijah, when the time comes my wife will finally rid you of this earth. Your days are numbered...

My time to Shine

Well my dad just died "boohoo" and was buried in Samaria with my grandfathers. I have been waiting for this for years, and finally I AM KING OF ISRAEL. Things will definitely be different around here. I mean, my dad did a great job but I will change Israel forever. Nothing will stop my wife, Jezebel, and I from accomplishing what we want. Everyone will serve Baal and none of that so called Yahweh. We will change the world's view of Israel and my wife will rid this earth of Elijah. We will make histories of history, the world will change with me in power. This is Asa king of Judah's twenty-eighth year in position nevertheless we will still accomplish more than he has, for I am Ahab and SHE is Jezebel.